Where does time go?

Time erases no memories.   22 years ago  I sat with my grandma while she took her last breath.  Harsh to say but rather peaceful considering my personal belief is she is in heaven now.  The 9 weeks leading up to that evening were such a whirl wind.   I know listening to me tell you how I miss my then 62 year old grandma to some hardly compares to the loss when they are dealing with the loss  of a spouse or a child or a dear friend for that matter.   I am not here on this blog to create a RATING SCALE of who’s pain is better or worse.   LOSS SUCKS and everyone experiences it differently and in their own way!  At the time  of her death I was 22 with a 2 & 3 year old my life was so all over the board.  I needed her and she was dying I was devastated .  Her death was my first experience watching, holding the hand of a loved one dying from a  brain tumor.  For that matter it was the first person I had been with  EVER while they were dying / died .( never dreaming I would be with countless holding their hands in years to come)    All  I knew was this stupid abbreviated 3 letter word  GBM was killing my grandma and it did so in 9 wks after having her brain surgery.   Sparing you all those details the loss is real.  22 years she is missed but will never be forgotten. My heart will forever have a space that contains the love we shared.   Over time the pain has softened and as many say ” LIFE GOES ON”.    In my life it has gone  on  but I do so with  keeping  her memory alive.  I am not stuck in sadness but I am sad for the things I didn’t get to enjoy with her.   I realized some years back I can do things to keep her memory alive or let that die also.  So to me LIFE WINS and when I tell stories of who she was,  sharing her LIFE  the brain tumor looses.  You see the tumor died when she did.  Her memory lives on as long as we keep telling her story and the tumor part is so small in compared to all the other goodness. If she were  here she would be 84 in a few weeks now that’s crazy.   When I am with family I’m  usually the one who brings her name up and then we share stories and we giggle .  The best are the ones that make you smile or even tear. (  Now of course their are jokesters in every family) .   I have to slap my dad and my uncle on behalf of my GMA  a heavenly one of course .  They tend to get to funny and start sharing  the TMI stuff  UGH my grandma If she could hear them  she would say their names so STERN when they acted funny like that.  My family  , cousins and sibling who will remain nameless but who  are reading this I can see you smiling and you know exactly what I am talking about when it comes to dad and Uncle.    OH and her  food she made lot’s of yummie stuff but mmmm.  the most noted  was what she made at work ,she was a baker.    HER DONUTS! and everytime I smell one I think of her.  MMMM the yummie WINCHELL donuts she baked.  ONE PROBLEM ( a minute on the lips has caused  a lifetime  of  exercising for these HIPS!) trust me those donuts were dangerous on the girls in our family LOL.  SO we share about Grandam because we love,  because she is important.  Many people don’t know what to say to friends that loose a love one.  Maybe not right away  but we do like to share memories. It’s ok  to talk about those we miss and love even though they are gone.  It’s when you don’t talk about them that it hurts us.  Tonight 22 years later I remember it like it was yesterday.  The crazy part, the end of her journey in this life was all part of what came to be  the beginning of what I was called to do today .   The creation of  GRAY MATTERS FOUNDATION.  You just never know what comes of life’s journey and if you listen closely and  you handle it with care . It all works out.   I sure  didn’t see this coming.  Back then and now she was and is my first &  FOREVER #ifonlyforone